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An addicts story of loss, heartache, relapse and recovery

You’re lucky you’re not in jail

So this all started yesterday. I call my scheduling to probation in the morning. I know I previously let everyone know about how it’s been going with this probation officer in particular. His name is William McNulty. He is a complete unprofessional asshole and has made my life a living hell for the last 60 days. Anyway I start my Monday off like any other. I called in my schedule to probation first thing in the morning with my boss standing next to me over hearing it. At about 2 o’clock I get an angry voicemail from him yelling at me to get my schedule in… their mistake not mine this time. So what do I do?I call this Mr. McNulty and let him no the mistake is theirs this time. And instead of listening to me he does his usual routine screaming at the top of his Longs over me trying to give him the code that proves I called in that day. So needless to say I knew today was going to be frustrating by the end of yesterday’s events I literally wanted to kill somebody. I thought I could do 60 days standing on my head but this person has just made it literally impossible.I even went as far as looking up how to file a complaint against him. Fast forward to this morning I had a one on one with my counselor at the clinic that I had to cancel to take care of this. I walk in to the electronic monitoring center and sit on wall amongst the other felons. I sign in and wait for my turn. Girl sitting across the table from me is talking to me about sewing I’m blocking her out as all I can do is stare at this guys flat top and his mean face with his ugly ass sweater and ugly ass glasses. How does one become a probation officer?. Do you get picked on your entire life so that you get a position with a little bit of power so you can abuse said power.? Anyway he calls me in. I’m biting my tongue so hard I’m probably bleeding.He starts off with your lucky you’re not in jail. In jail I said this time the mistake was years. Doesn’t your boss realize he can send you to jail by not getting the scheduling on time? Sir like I said the mistake was theirs this time you can ask Mrs……he interrupts me. Your so lucky you were not in jail. But sir I he interrupts me again doesn’t your boss know that he’s screwing with your life I just started saying yes sir over and over until I was out of there for what I hoped was the last time. He let me know that Monday I need to go there and get a release slip from them but this coming Saturday I’m finally done I can unplug the box in my home and be off house arrest once and for all. Hopefully I will stay sober and not put myself in a position to be under the thumb and watchful eyes of assholes like Mr. McNulty ever again.

You wanted the ankle bracelet 

Why aren’t you paying? You are out working every day and you aren’t paying.My response was “I just gave you 300 dollars last week. I have other obligations…… yes I still hate my dickhead of a PO. He was screaming at me yesterday because I was at work… I didn’t get my schedule Until Saturday and they’re closed on the weekends so how was I going to report that I had work on Monday except to call them on Monday another alert and he’s going to throw me in jail all of this because I drove on a suspended license for my four-year-old DUI. So far while on the ankle bracelet I have done the following go to work go to the methadone clinic to stay sober go home and that’s about it except for occasional stops at the dollar store on the way to work. The system is designed to make you fail. They want to keep you in all kinds of services and put you through all kinds of hoops so that people will have an income and a reason for their job,like my PO. Basically a reason to exist. This cunt acts and looks exactly as you’d expect. Short guy with a shaved head military style and you could tell the dude was picked on all through high school and grade school. Now he’s in a position to fuck over people‘s lives and has absolute joy in bullying them while they’re on probation or the ankle bracelet under his watch. I think to myself does he know how hard I work to stay sober to maintain a house to maintain my wife and kids to do the right thing not to drive to take buses and constantly walk the straight and narrow. No he does not give a flying fuck about me my wife my kids or my life. All he knows he gets to bully Someone on his watch for the next 60 days. That I put myself in this position absolutely I’m not saying I’m not responsible I was the one that drove my license was suspended and there are consequences to to pay. But let’s be real it’s not the crime of the fucking century. My addiction has taken me here and five years of Sebright he doesn’t erase the thinking. Sometimes every cell in my body wants to just go in news give them what they want give my brain what it wants and not deal with any of this. On top of everything else my controlling egotistical parents still have custody of my youngest son. Today Halloween is his birthday.Am I agitated? you bet!! want to get high??absolutely. Yet some small part and they won’t give them the satisfaction I won’t let them win maybe just for today. Five years ago today I went nuts for about three days on Xanax and methadone. At the end of that I woke up in a jail cell with a DWI. So who won they’re my parents? Certainly not me. Here I am five years later still suffering the consequences. Sober with a job and a decent home and my family back together except for My youngest. God willing things will continue to improve but today is one of those white knuckle days. Those hanging on by the skin of your fucking balls days. Hopefully my next post will be a little more positive peace out

Tuesday is my Day Off

It’s funny when you are not on House Arrest or an ankle bracelet you said home. The second someone tells you you have to sit home because you’re being punished you don’t want to anymore. It seems lately my days off consist of going to the Clinic to meet with my counselor Derick. Today was no exception. I just finished sitting there for an hour with him. I feel very blessed to have him this is the second Clinic we’ve worked with each other at. If that is in divine intervention I don’t know what is. So long story short I’m extremely comfortable with Derick it’s a great back-and-forth. After we finished I’m walking about a quarter-mile to the bus stop can I go home and watch some movies today. I can’t wait until November 25 I’ll finally have this thing off of me. In the meantime I still got to watch my sons football games with total excitement there is no better high then him exceeding on the field for me. I’m over walking past puddles to catch my bus. It’s a gray rainy day was kind of matches my somber mood today. I always have hope and then talking to Derick I feel like I can continue to move forward on this journey being sober doing the Clinic staying away from benzo‘s and either Temptations on the dark web. But I also know every time I get sober the progress to the good place seems slower and slower. This particular time when I got out of jail it took me eight months to secure a temporary seasonal position at Macys. That then became a better part-time job as a sales person with commission and eventually a manager within a year and a half. I left there to work for us cellular phone carrier as a sales person. And that’s what I’ve been doing ever cents in the beginning it was tough. There’s a huge learning curve for you if you’re 41 years old in that industry. People my age are senior citizens. I’ve always been good at sales but learning the product this time was a little harder because technology is constantly changing. So after a year and a half coming up on two years of this am I ready to move on? I see yes in now. I have a job interview phone call at 10 o’clock to go back to selling furniture. It would have to be an extremely lucrative opportunity for me as I don’t feel like starting over again. But it’s extremely hard to make a decent living I feel like I’m killing it at this job and I’m only making about 30 grand a year. Which when you weigh it against me being homeless two years ago seems like a lot so maybe the thing that’s broken is my gratitude and my perspective. In retail sales you always hit that weird spot where you’re sort of making the top end of the money and you’re not wanting to go into management. I’d rather just sell for a living I’m better at it than having difficult conversations with customers and people all day. Although I do like the part of mentoring new people. I guess we’ll see what the 10 o’clock phone call brings. Most likely I’ll stay at the cell phone place as we are moving into that extremely busy time of the year known as Black Friday and retail during Christmas. That coupled along with the people that think they need a new iPhone which launch is in three days helps blind my pockets with a couple extra bucks. Just think once the ankle bracelet is done I don’t actually get to use that money for something fun like bills . Such is the life of a sober grown up I guess.

House Arrest

Sitting here waiting on my PO who is a complete dick, the thoughts keep coming. This is my second time on the ankle bracelet in five years. The first one I fully accepted after I had a hearty breakfast of Xanax and methadone and literally got lost on my way to the other clinic I was in. This time it’s for driving while suspended years after that charge. You would think after years of this bullshit I’d figure a way off paper completely but not yet . With addicts, at least this one, it seems there is no such thing as I learned my lesson…. somehow I end up getting high and getting in trouble. The extra 108 dollars a week also doesn’t deter me…. stretching an already tight budget past it’s limit. To me that’s there game, punishment before and in place of any kind of treatment. Fines, court costs etc. cost me in the tens of thousands but if someone put drugs in front of me today I’d probably take them. An obsession of the mind that ignites the allergy in my body….. sets up a craving and then all bets are off